Rest for the Weary

"Life finds its balance. Children grow up. Second chances come along. In the meantime, I could choose to savor this moment. What good would it do to allow annoyance to interfere with gratitude?"

~ Katrina Kenison

I've been sick; so, so sick. For days. So have all four of my stay at home girls. I hadn't left the house in five days until last night when I forced myself into the car to drive my eldest daughter out for the evening, hoping some fresh air would do me good. It didn't. I came home, picked up toys and miscellaneous detritus around the house and put myself and the two babies to bed.  The night continued for well over an hour more while I struggled with D to get her to sleep. When she finally found sleep, it was quick, and she woke up just an hour and a half later and was up to be up. I was frustrated, desperate, and weary. Sleep is lost on me and it has been for almost 15 years now. I've become accustomed to certain levels of sleep deprivation but boy, was I thrown for a loop when all of a sudden I wasn't sleeping either because of baby or because my nose was so stuffed and I felt like my sinuses were going to explode. Needless to say, I ended up walking around with my baby, both of us crying. I tried rocking her, I tried reading to her, I tried just holding her. The rest of the house was silently sleeping and we were up, tired and miserable. It was awful.

Eventually, and I'm sure after we'd disturbed his slumber long enough and my sobs became white flags (or red flags), Lee came in and took the baby into the empty bed that he steals when it's left for a night and I was finally able to sleep a couple of hours. Man, was I a sorry sight and lacked of grace. 

The short of it is this: being home sick is one thing. Being home sick with four sick littles on top of that is quite another. I've had a hard time mustering up the strength and the wherewithal to keep myself up let alone four other dependent souls who are also feeling just as needy as I am. Everyone needs to eat, drink, be changed, needs help facilitating an activity, reading to, snuggles, nursing..... I've been sick before and have had to care for one or two others at the same time but this!!! This takes the cake! 

We've eaten very little and mostly the same things. We've been drinking lots of tea and have had lots of screen time. There's been some really wonderful moments of quite play and painting and play dough making and story writing. There's been singing and dancing and tissues piled high into towers. There's been snuggles and nursing sessions and chats that last for hours.

There's also been pleas from me to "Please.....just let Mama rest. Please.....let's not nurse now. Please......not right now." There's been bickering, fighting, crying (lawd has there been crying).  It's hard to be the-stay-at-home-all-the-time parent because you can't leave your work behind a day to two for a sick day. You can't leave early and go home and nap while someone else cares for the children and household duties. There's no one to care for you. That part is hard. For someone who struggles with self-care issues like I do, taking pride in caring for myself is a jagged pill to swallow. But, I'm trying. I've spent the better half of these five days in my bathrobe. I've had copious amounts of hot tea. I've snuggled and watched lots of movies with my girls. I've sat in my favorite sit spot in our home watching the girls as they play at the table, or sleep in the high chair, or read a few pages of my favorite books. I've caught up on emails and blogging. There's much to be grateful for.....it will all be over soon, and we will all be well and back to our healthy, active, vibrant selves. 

This is what I have to keep remembering: how fortunate I am to be here now with all of these girls and to be able to sit with them while they sleep, how fortunate I am to see them sleep mid-day while most other parents don't have that opportunity, and instead of feeling annoyed by the constant pull for my attention when I'd rather lay curled up in my bed and have my Mom take care of me.......I'll be thankful that I can get up and make another cup of tea or hold my girls in my arms or nurse my toddler and baby for their comfort. I can do that! No one else. Me! God has given me this gift of caring for these little beings, he's entrusted me with their well-being. Even when I'm feeling inferior and not up to the task.....I have to remember that I am! I wouldn't have been charged with the sanctity of this job if I weren't up to the task.

So, as I get ready to make yet another cup of Throat Coat tea and watch my toddler paint her nails all by herself because it keeps her happy for an extended period of time and yes I know it's a huge mess that she'll leave behind and I probably won't clean it up :) I ask you this: How has being a parent been a challenge for you? What have you wished for that couldn't be fulfilled? If you have challenges, how are you able to ease the struggle?

I'll leave you with these beautiful words from Katrina Kenison:

"Not a day goes by that I don't still need to remind myself that my life is not just what's handed to me, nor is it my list of obligations, my accomplishments or failures, or what my family is up to, but rather it is what I choose, day in and day out, to make of it all. When I am able simply to be with things as they are, able to accept the day's challenges without judging, reaching, or wishing for something else, I feel as if I am receiving the privilege, coming a step closer to being myself. It's when I get lost in the day's details, or so caught up in worries about what might be, that I miss the beauty of what is."

The Epehmeral Fall

"You expected to be sad in the fall. Part of you died each year when leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintry light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. " ~ Earnest Hemingway

Hello my dears. It's been a long time since I last visited this place. I've been feeling this pulsing in my heart to open up this page and see what had been left to season, my.....how wonderful. And what a gift. I'd forgotten how much I loved being here and how much I loved putting my thoughts in one place to be seen, to be felt, to be heard. If not by anyone else but me. 

It's been a few seasons since my last blog post. We've seen the end of winter, spring, and summer and now we are peeking around the corner to winter again. This Autumn we are currently in has seemed to pass by so quickly. It's November, it's cold now and there is snow. 

We have seen the harvest come and go; trees, vegetables, chickens, hogs. Our woodpile is bulging at the seams ahead of time (a new thing for us!!). Time has eluded us, as always, but we've managed to sneak in some really beautiful and life-giving moments. 

Breathtaking rock walls have been built that will withstand a century's time or more. I'm finding these walls to be a symbol, an emblem of where Lee and I are as human beings walking this journey together. This last year was hard on us, our tests many, mostly failed, and we walked away from each other many times. We found ourselves in a place that was so unfamiliar that neither one of us had the tools in our tool boxes to mend what was broken. We tried, Heaven knows we did. Most days we looked at each other and swore the other was as unfamiliar as the journey we were on. It was heartbreaking.

Having that as our experience, I can tell you this...... it wasn't all for naught. We made it through one of the darkest years of our decade together and came out the other side able to express our adoration and gratitude for the other more in than we'd been able to in years. But we KNEW it! We FELT it for the first time. Simultaneously, we experienced the genuine and unique love that we held in our hearts always, but now we could express it and feel it. We could look at each other and feel that old familiar flame, if you will. We're smiling. We're laughing. We're holding hands. We're thinking about dating each other and what we can do to remind the other that we are present, committed, here because we want to be, and because we are deeply and zealously in love with the other. I'm envisioning our love like a stone wall. One that has been meticulously built with strong and mighty bodies and eagle eyes seeking the perfect stone to strengthen the foundation. I imagine that our wall travels like the snake; curving, fluid, and flowing gracefully around each obstacle that may be in it's path. Our wall is grand and pronounced, it can be seen for miles. Our wall is a landmark. Our wall represents the kind of love that lasts through lifetime after lifetime, the kind our great-great-grandchildren will remember for all the stories of the trials and tribulations but overcome by celebration and adoration. 

And as fleeting as this year has been, it has been as full as they come; babies and children growing wild and free, businesses thriving, abundant gardens, micro-vacations, adventures to new places, a child off to school, saying good-bye to loved ones, holding on and caring for dear ones who are sick, building up and growing within our community, baking, creating, celebrating.

As the winter grows nigh, I'm left with the resonating message in the quote above:

"But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen"

and I carry with me the warmth of the love that is shared within our family hearth. 

Blessings on your journey, friends. I look forward to keeping this fire going and enjoying my time in this space with all of you. 

~ Marcy