Being Present

 He said, "There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do, and mostly live." 

~ Dalai Lama

Yesterday was one of those days where I felt like the whole world was going to implode on me. The girls were all in moods, screaming and crying were in abundance, I was utterly sleep deprived as D was up every hour and a half the night before, everyone was having a hard time maintaining any bit of composure. Crying. We all had a good cry yesterday. Lee surprised us and came home a bit early which was just what the doctor ordered. I slipped away to fold some laundry and take a quick snooze with the babe and the girls pounced and followed their Daddy around like a bunch of ducklings. Granted, by dinner time, both of us were counting down the minutes until bedtime. Those kind of days/nights rustles up a bit of sadness for me. I feel as though I've wasted an entire day being steeped in emotion, where the "mean Mommy" in me creeps in and takes over. I feel my light lessen as it hides itself into a corner because I've lost all ability to see the forest for the trees. It feels like being lost in a bitter cold world, with no warmth or sunshine in sight. It's rather depressing, really. But I have to believe that this is all part of the process. It's all about realizing these vulnerable parts of myself and then reinforcing them with the utter love and devotion I have for my family. An old friend from lifetimes ago reminded me of all the blessings in my day: my children, my husband and that he finally has some work, that the spilled milk all over the kitchen floor was nice to have when we had it, as well as other blessings. While I feel these and know them to be  true, I am an eager blessings counter after all, the fact is, at the end of the day, when I'm worn to tattered threads, it gets harder to position myself in such a way to be uplifted by what I've been blessed with. Some days, I just gotta fake it 'til I make it.

The quote at the start of this post has been my mantra for today. It might just become my mantra for the year. Six kids, four of whom are at home with me full time and are six years and younger, plus homeschooling, starting a business, keeping my husband busy with his stonework, planning the garden, keeping the chickens and the sheep fed and happy, maintaining the house, and then finding the time and energy to learn new skills to produce wool from the spring shearing, tanning hides at home, etc. Life very quickly becomes quite full. Today, I am eager to sit and just be all here now. I'm sneaking this quiet moment to write while the girls are playing and the two babes are napping because it's my way of holding myself in the present moment. Writing is wonderfully cathartic for me in that way. How do you hold yourself in the present? What are some ways you hold yourself accountable?

There is something magically wonderful about children, that is their ability to keep us in the here and now. I believe that nothing else is quite as important as the time I spend with my children. They validate my existence. All my life is in their basket, my waking moments, my sleeping moments. It's all theirs and while I may lose parts of myself while I'm in this space of total giving I realize deeply that it won't last forever. They are growing fast. My oldest will be fourteen this year. 14!!! He will be a freshman in high school this coming fall. Time is fleeting and my time with my children, while compressing and all consuming, is slipping by just as quickly. I've spent many a sleepless night over the last month realizing that my time isn't always so well spent. I won't go into too many details but I'll tell you this much, once I realized that my time is precious, when I began to accept and see those I love fall away, once I let go of the idea that I'm in control of this roller coaster, life began to open up in an inexplicable way. The hang ups, the resentments, the lack of courage, the fear. It began to melt away and somewhere inside me I began to hear the sounds of my heart beating and the songs of my soul began to ring out from the depths. The present became even more important than the past and the future. I can't change a single thing about my past and I can't predict the future. The only thing that truly matters is being all here now. And yesterday was a good reminder of where I need to redirect my settings to today.

So, while I work on letting go of what I can't change and focus on being present, I hope my sharing with you serves you by helping you see and feel forgiveness towards yourself, to be gentle with yourself as you go through what ever it is that might be a challenge, allow your emotions to bubble up but then let them recede so that love and light can shine through, and that today is the right day to love, believe, do, and mostly live for yourself. 

"In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present." ~ Lao Tzu