Being Present

 He said, "There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do, and mostly live." 

~ Dalai Lama

Yesterday was one of those days where I felt like the whole world was going to implode on me. The girls were all in moods, screaming and crying were in abundance, I was utterly sleep deprived as D was up every hour and a half the night before, everyone was having a hard time maintaining any bit of composure. Crying. We all had a good cry yesterday. Lee surprised us and came home a bit early which was just what the doctor ordered. I slipped away to fold some laundry and take a quick snooze with the babe and the girls pounced and followed their Daddy around like a bunch of ducklings. Granted, by dinner time, both of us were counting down the minutes until bedtime. Those kind of days/nights rustles up a bit of sadness for me. I feel as though I've wasted an entire day being steeped in emotion, where the "mean Mommy" in me creeps in and takes over. I feel my light lessen as it hides itself into a corner because I've lost all ability to see the forest for the trees. It feels like being lost in a bitter cold world, with no warmth or sunshine in sight. It's rather depressing, really. But I have to believe that this is all part of the process. It's all about realizing these vulnerable parts of myself and then reinforcing them with the utter love and devotion I have for my family. An old friend from lifetimes ago reminded me of all the blessings in my day: my children, my husband and that he finally has some work, that the spilled milk all over the kitchen floor was nice to have when we had it, as well as other blessings. While I feel these and know them to be  true, I am an eager blessings counter after all, the fact is, at the end of the day, when I'm worn to tattered threads, it gets harder to position myself in such a way to be uplifted by what I've been blessed with. Some days, I just gotta fake it 'til I make it.

The quote at the start of this post has been my mantra for today. It might just become my mantra for the year. Six kids, four of whom are at home with me full time and are six years and younger, plus homeschooling, starting a business, keeping my husband busy with his stonework, planning the garden, keeping the chickens and the sheep fed and happy, maintaining the house, and then finding the time and energy to learn new skills to produce wool from the spring shearing, tanning hides at home, etc. Life very quickly becomes quite full. Today, I am eager to sit and just be all here now. I'm sneaking this quiet moment to write while the girls are playing and the two babes are napping because it's my way of holding myself in the present moment. Writing is wonderfully cathartic for me in that way. How do you hold yourself in the present? What are some ways you hold yourself accountable?

There is something magically wonderful about children, that is their ability to keep us in the here and now. I believe that nothing else is quite as important as the time I spend with my children. They validate my existence. All my life is in their basket, my waking moments, my sleeping moments. It's all theirs and while I may lose parts of myself while I'm in this space of total giving I realize deeply that it won't last forever. They are growing fast. My oldest will be fourteen this year. 14!!! He will be a freshman in high school this coming fall. Time is fleeting and my time with my children, while compressing and all consuming, is slipping by just as quickly. I've spent many a sleepless night over the last month realizing that my time isn't always so well spent. I won't go into too many details but I'll tell you this much, once I realized that my time is precious, when I began to accept and see those I love fall away, once I let go of the idea that I'm in control of this roller coaster, life began to open up in an inexplicable way. The hang ups, the resentments, the lack of courage, the fear. It began to melt away and somewhere inside me I began to hear the sounds of my heart beating and the songs of my soul began to ring out from the depths. The present became even more important than the past and the future. I can't change a single thing about my past and I can't predict the future. The only thing that truly matters is being all here now. And yesterday was a good reminder of where I need to redirect my settings to today.

So, while I work on letting go of what I can't change and focus on being present, I hope my sharing with you serves you by helping you see and feel forgiveness towards yourself, to be gentle with yourself as you go through what ever it is that might be a challenge, allow your emotions to bubble up but then let them recede so that love and light can shine through, and that today is the right day to love, believe, do, and mostly live for yourself. 

"In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present." ~ Lao Tzu

On newness and beginnings

It's Monday. It's the beginning of a new week. It's the beginning of a new routine for me and my children at home. This day marks the first day in over a month that Lee is back to work. He finished a job early in December and didn't have anything lined up in anticipation of our wee baby's arrival. Her guess date was December 21st........she came on January 2nd. Which is all well and good because we all came down with the stomach bug over Christmas and I didn't get it until the day before Daphne arrived. Lee's presence was so needed during those weeks. His being home allowed me to rest up and gather my energy while he took on the 3 little ones, cooked most of the meals in a day, kept the wood stove burning, ran errands, and was my buddy and partner through all 5 kids getting sick, was a hero even when he had the bug, and even managed to take care of me for a bit while I was sick (when he was at his sickest). He really has been my hero, my knight in shining armor. He always is, but these past few weeks he really upped the ante.

This is mostly how our house looks these days. I try to keep up with the mess as best I can but at some point during the day I throw in the towel. I am outnumbered by littles. Their messes multiply faster than......dirty diapers. Hey, it's all I got.

Dishes? I'm outnumbered by 8am. Laundry? I do laundry twice a week and I've at least got it caught up and haven't any piles that need tending to (total win seeing as I'm washing for 8, not to mention towels and bedding). Toys? I keep throwing them out and reorganizing but somehow they keep growing in numbers. Dust bunnies? Don't ask. I try not to get overwhelmed, but I do. I'm a HSP and when my home is in a state of disarray, when where ever I look I see mess and disorder, my heart starts to race, I get anxious and feel like I've lost control. Some days, I can just breath and look at my children and remember the saying "A messy home is a happy home." Most days, I don't buy it.

In an effort to relax I've begun to teach myself some new knitting techniques. Last week, I cast on my first knit in the round. I've had scant moments to actually work on it but when I do find the time, my heart is happy and calm. Someone in my family will have a "knit by Mama" cowl one day.

Baking is my other love. This is my elixir for any ailment. I'm doing this as often as  I can; trying new recipes and not coming up with an excuse as to why I shouldn't bake, at least once a day. It's my lifeline and the one thing I do that brings a sense of accomplishment to my day. I realize that if all of my children are happy and fed by days end, that in and of itself is a huge accomplishment. Baking is a personal accomplishment which I feel is just as important to any SAHM. 

Another new beginning is our homeschool rhythm. We haven't had much in the way of routine over the last few months. It's been very exciting to sit with Charlotte and get a sense of where she'd like to go, what her interests are, and how we plan our activities. We're starting small and slow. Not filling a whole morning but choosing a subject or two and going from there. Either way, Charlotte feels great doing what we're doing and is excited for what's in store. Me too :)

The holidays are behind us. Daphne has arrived. Homeschooling has resumed. The newness of the many beginnings in our lives are starting to reach into that place of familiar getting used to. Well, except Daphne. She's still so new and her lovely face and presence here will be new for a while. 

New rhythms are hard to begin. You go through this weird period of not knowing where you are, who you are, what you like, how things are supposed to go/feel. It's transition, like any time in ones life, these things need time. Time is all we have. And thank goodness for that! Now, if only I could be patient. 

Yarn Along

I'm joining Ginny at Simple Things for my very first EVER Yarn Along. 

As most of you know, we had our baby 2 weeks ago. It's been a whirlwind of joy, exhaustion, overwhelm, and anxiety. I'm always amazed at how quickly my brain bounces back from pregnancy. After giving birth, not only does my stomach and other abdominal organs have extra room to groove but so does my brain! I'm able to contemplate things, think about taking on other tasks without feeling burdened, dream about learning something new and then begin it.......like knitting and reading a new book! I've been teaching myself how to knit for over a year now. I've learned, thanks to YouTube videos, how to cast on, knit, purl, knit in back loop, k2tog, increase stitches (need a refresher), knitting in the round, and cast off. This puts me in a neat place of starting a fun project. Scarves just seem so redundant to me, however, I'm beginning one with Charlotte since I've been teaching her to knit as of  her 6th birthday a week ago (but that's a post for another time!). I've also begun a cowl. A friend of mine suggested I start there since I expressed my boredom with scarves. I hadn't knitted in the round before. I tried once but didn't realize I needed to connect the stitches together (silly, I know, but I'm a newbie!!). I learned how to connect the stitches and off I've gone. It takes me a bit of time to knit a row, but, I know the flow of knitting happens over time. I love the yarn I'm using. I don't recall the name of it but it's a melody of beautiful colors and is a wool/mohair blend. So soft and easy to use.
Here is a link to the cowl that I'm intending to make.

As far as my new read, I am a die-hard Paulo Coelho fan. I've read several of his books and am always left pondering each chapter. His writing is so fluid and intriguing. If you haven't read his work, go......check out a book at the library, begin with The Alchemist or The Pilgrimage. They are beautifully inspiring and thought provoking.

I can't wait to see how far I get on this cowl by next week. I'm sure it won't be as far as I expect to get but, I'm thrilled to be motivated, nonetheless.

Happy Yarning! 

Gratitude Sunday

One of my favorite link-ups is at Wooly Moss Roots for Gratitude * Sunday.

{Sunday's heartfelt tradition. A time to slow down, to reflect, to be grateful. A list of gratitudes.} 

* 

Our gratefulness feeds one another. 

Throughout the week  I have been grateful for::

~ Lee, he is my rock, my best friend, my partner in this lifetime. Without him I'd be lost.

~ Daphne. She has brought with her an amazing gift of healing, love, abundance, and beauty.

~ My five big children, their smiles, their hearts, their eagerness to love and be loved.

~ Dear friends who come to care for us without expectation and love us regardless of our ability to return the favor during this season of our life.

~ Food. I've been so hungry over the past few months. It feels good to eat and eat for the room that is now available in my body.

~ Late date nights with my hubby. We snuggle in with baby D, eat something sweet and feast our eyes on some Food Network streaming or the occasional grown up movie (non cartoon).

~ Birthdays and baking. I adore them both.

~ Charlotte and her desire to learn. 

~ Naps and being left to sleep in. And coffee.

~ Rediscovering the parts of myself that have been left behind. I am excited to read a new book, reignite my spiritual fire, to write with more frequency, and create something, anything with wool, paint, photographs, etc.

~ The January thaw and the reminder that Spring will be here in all of her glory the not to distant future.

Whether your week flowed smoothly or you had a rough one, taking the time to focus on what you're grateful for always makes things better and will bring you a happy heart!

What have you felt grateful for throughout your week?

Welcome 2014 and a Homestead Update

"My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance." ~ Erma Bombeck

This has been my motto as of late. 

It's been a whirlwind here in our little home. Since Christmas we've had all seven of us succumb to a nasty stomach bug, altering our holiday plans because one or two of us were sick. It wasn't horrible to spend the holidays with just ourselves, it was a new experience, in fact. Usually we are all packed up and out of the house by 10am to go spend Christmas somewhere else; it was nice to be tucked away with my loves. And seeing as I was 9 months pregnant, it was nice to just leisurely be around the house, loving everyone up. 

This was a photo taken of me just before Christmas. We had 8 inches of snow, I was unbelievably pregnant, hiking hilly terrain with my sweet husband to find our Christmas tree. It was a successful venture, baby didn't come out any sooner because of the walk, but we had a lovely tree for Christmas!

Many a day was spent with dear Dad outside, chicken wrangling, sheep shepherding, snow shoveling, wood chopping, winter wonderland adventuring, and just plain 'ol loving life with.

 I spent much time inside nesting, cleaning, organizing, washing, folding laundry, and doing all those things one does when they are eagerly awaiting the arrival of a new baby. 

At long last, our newest little baby came to join our family Earthside. She is a wise little Star as she waited until every single person in the house had the stomach bug before her arrival (including me! I went into labor in the early morning after having had the bug) : making sure I would be able to focus on the sicklings and not be torn between newborn and the other children who most certainly needed me present. Lee and I joked about how horrible it would be for me to catch the bug and go into labor. At least she waited until the worst of it passed for me before we endured labor pains. My mantra during her birth was "Gentle, baby. Gentle, baby." I was hoping to manifest a gentle birth in order for my weakened and ill body to be able to relax and  deliver with peace and ease. It worked. Thankfully. Daphne Ramona Snow came to us swiftly and gently (and during a blizzard). I was up and about in no time and although my body is needing the extra time to heal and recoup, we're all doing wonderfully.  

The New Year is also the birthday of our dearest Charlotte. She turned 6 shortly after Daphne was born. This bright light is ready for big thing this year and is excited to learn all about archery, knitting, roman numerals, painting, and science projects. School for us has been a bit lackluster as I forgot how mentally lazy I become towards the end of pregnancy and with the holidays, it was almost impossible to keep up. The New Year will most certainly bring a bit of normalcy to her homeschool rhythm, something we've all missed.

"For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning."
~T.S. Eliot

We look forward to new beginnings. We look forward to engaging more here. 2014 is set up to be a wonderful, bountiful year. Wishing you all glorious new beginnings.